Author: NA

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Chapter 3: Frats and Sororities.


    1. Why should you join
    2. Parties
    3. What to expect
    4. When to join
    5. Which to join
    6. Benefits
    7. Cons



I was sitting with my brothers in the courtyard of SDSU Lambda Chi house. Jeff Witous, one of the founding employees of Sun Microsystems was sitting with his back to a wall, and about twenty guys in a semi-circle around him. We were drinking bud lights as he doled out life advice. I sat enamored with the moment, thinking: when else and how else could I ever imagine having this opportunity, to listen to someone like Jeff giving advice in such a small and intimate setting? Sure, this is no Yale or Harvard where I can sit in a Skullz grey sarcophagus building and listen to the Bushes or fortune 500 CEO’s, but even if I got into Yale I probably wouldn’t be invited. I’m a son of an immigrant engineer. For me, this was a good start and I was devouring every word that left Jeff’s mouth. 
 
 A couple months later, I was initiated along with forty other guys. Although it was a tough decision, I was glad I made it. I was a senior in college, I could afford the yearly dues, the guys were similar to me: driven, honest, accomplished. This was not a frat frat. It was something we created being the founding father class. We wrote the constitution in late night sessions, we picked the first and second class of incoming brothers, we created the organization and I wouldn’t give up my time in the frat for the world.



   But even the best mannered fraternities have their moments. I remembered one of our guys got wasted at our first big party at a local brew house. I was asked to take him home and he was belligerent. He complained about a girl that he left at the party. He was worried that someone would see him drunk at the dorm because he was working as an RA (resident advisor). When we finally got to his dorm, he realized that he left his keys in his car. We got back into my car and drove to the brew house to get the keys but now he decided that he would drive. This became a serious confrontation. I wouldn’t let him drive and he wouldn’t go with me. At this point, he forgot about the previous girl and was now talking to some random girl that was forgotten at the parking lot by her friends. 
    It was getting ridiculous and I called the president of the fraternity, Jason Harp and Jason’s advice as a true leader thinking out of the box was: “Punch him in the jaw, I’ll take responsibility for it.” It was three am, I was fed up, I gave him another chance and then the punch came. He was shocked. He got in the car and called his cousin as we drove through the empty streets, complaining as I took him home. The next day I got a big apology and a thanks from him as well as a great story. 

There are many reasons to join and stories like these are some of them. There are the parties, but parties you can find and there is no reason to pay for them. There is the comradery, having over a hundred people that you are connected with. You will face situations you never thought you would. You will meet friends who will start businesses and become successful people. You will meet and deal with dirt-bags, money problems and be molded into a leader. Even after graduating, I continued to make friends from the fraternity as I came back to alumni events. I didn’t have the same closeness of going through classes and events together, but we became friends nevertheless.



Sororities:

There are the sororities, and honestly, they are a great reason to join. You get exposed to a lot of hot girls and you really develop abilities to talk and get along with women (in case those abilities did not exist before).  I saw a lot of shy guys come in and blossom into confident men as they went through the experience.


When to join:
Some join at the beginning of their arrival at school. To me, this meant a lot of money and being confined to the “greek” system. I joined later and had a large network of people by the time I joined. However, I did not bond as well with a lot of people in the fraternity because I did not spend as much time or have those experiences that created the connections that so many “greeks” have by joining early on.

Which one to join:
During first or second week of the semester, fraternities and sororities begin recruiting. It’s a good chance to meet everyone and decide which one you like and if they like you.
There is a fraternity for everyone. Nerdy, fun, jock, Asian, Jewish, Muslim etc. Whatever you join, make sure it is you, that you like the people, that you get along with them and that you can rely on them. Mostly likely they will invite you because you are like them. You will make connections and friends for life so if there is a fraternity on campus that you like, then go for it.


Benefits:
You learn organization, leadership and team work. The budgets can be not insignificant, you may have to be responsible for a lot of irresponsible brothers and make some tough decisions. Some people liken running a fraternity to running a business or creating a start-up. It isn’t easy, but no rewarding experience ever is. Things that your brothers will do for you are very rewarding.
For instance, I once arrived in San Jose and had no place to stay and no where to go. One phone call to my brother Sol and he was at the airport taking me to his place. You’re never alone and that is an amazing feeling.


Reasons not to join them:

They take up a lot of time. You are required to learn about the secrets and history and you have to plan events and spend a lot of time socializing. There is a huge amount of gossip and incestuousness within the “greek” system because it is a small community, so word gets around. The nice thing is that it is mostly inconsequential.

The other thing to think about is that there are fraternities and sororities that haze. I joined one that did away with hazing decades ago but many still do. They say they allow a class to bond but I see it as an excuse for sadists to exercise their sadism. I was pretty old by then and didn’t care to have underclassmen humiliate me. But hey, some dig so it’s up to you if that’s your cup of tea.

There are sometimes bad apples, that create rotten orchards. If in good orchards they are cast out, in bad ones they take over. We had an experience where one guy was accused of rape. He was at a party and the girl got drunk went to a room and he was drunk and he followed her and spent the night with her. She said it was rape and cops showed up and filed a report. Fraternity took it extremely seriously because we all have sisters and mothers. He was suspended pending the investigation. He ended up being no guilty but as you can see, we did not abandon him but we also put him on notice. 
Before that incident, another fraternity brother was kicked out because he could not handle himself at a party and started groping girls. Our president Jason was young but strong and idealistic. He made sure that this guy was out and could not represent us and set a poor example for the others. As Jeff Witous said to us that day over beers: “Don’t contaminate the gene pool.”


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Chapter 2: First Day

“First day in a new place everyone feels the same, a little bit weird.”

In this chapter we’ll cover:

    • Making friends
    • Moving into dorms
    • Places to eat
    • Dances and parties
    • The crazy, weird and religious People

       How do you prepare for your first day of college? Clean shirt, a shave, a haircut- if that’s your thing. It really doesn’t matter. It’s like any other day just in a new place. You’ll feel a bit out of place for a sec but you meet people with similar interests, with a desire to be friends and soon you get used to the new surroundings and then, before you even realize it, you’re good. Because the most important thing I learned is realize that the more I relax, the more confidence I had and the more I freed myself to loose that critical voice that the teachers and parents put in my head, the better I felt in college. Just remember, free and relaxed doesn’t mean stupid.

    Now first day for most students is called admit day. If you’re lucky like me, you will be shown around the campus by a really cute orientation leader. It is the day when most students arrive, move in and mingle. They go through the orientation, the two day you get acquainted to the college frenzy and finally, the day you move in and the week of parties before you start studying. I don’t know if these exist in non-American Colleges but if it doesn’t, it should. In San Diego there are five major Universities. Some Universities studied and some partied; mine definitely studied, except for that first week and that was the week to make friends.

     About friends, if for whatever reason making friends in High School was not easy, you’re in luck, because nothing could be simpler in college. Everyone arrives with a blank slate, so be cool, be respectful, be yourself and if you still can’t find like-minded people, join some clubs. And of course, smile. People like smiles. 

     As I said before, at UCSD the window to make friends is really limited to that first week. After that people settle into their classes and into the groups they find that first week. That first week, right before arriving at the dorms, you probably hope to have good roommates, hoping they are relaxed, honest and helpful and you hope they are fun people to be around. And at the very least, know when to leave you alone. You hope that all of you can go out and have a good time that first week, meet all the girls/guys you can and make some good friends. You never know, you might make the friend who you will start a company like Steve Jobs and make millions of dollars or maybe meet that girl/guy you will marry someday.



    As far as the clubs and majors, during admit day you have everything at your disposal. During admit day, they will show you all the departments, clubs and sports. You will get to see and have a chance to ask questions and really open your eyes to all the possibilities that are available to you. You can go talk to professors from Cognitive Science or Humanities. You can check out the SAE club that builds cars or the Koala club that writes a satire newspaper or even the DVC, a club for DJs. You can stop by the fraternity tables and see if that is right for you and they will probably give you an invite to their parties that week. See what’s there and then pick and choose. It’s about meeting as many people as possible so that you can find the ones that will make your college experience easier and more full filling.

    My admit day I met a tall Sikh, Ronnie Sing a girl Natasha Judge. I still keep in touch with them a bit today. Through them I met other people who are still good friends friends with me today. 

    Those first days I would hang out at Ronnie’s room and we would go to parties with people in the dorms, eat together and even study together. Some of his roommates were in my classes so when I showed up to class, I felt comfortable knowing some people in class because I had someone to sit with, exchange notes and study.


    The kids I met at the dorms would go out to eat together at the cafeterias as well as parties, dances and games. Some of their friends joined intramural teams and it really opened up options as far as things I could do. Because a lot of times we just can’t pick and so we go along with what our friends are doing.

    One thing I wasn‘t expecting is the crazy, weird and religious people. For instance, there was an older guy in the center of the campus wearing a suit. He would preach and yell for hours. His preaching consisted of calling girls whores and that all of us are going to hell. There were weird kids wearing weird clothes, sometimes bums came on campus, weird after a while became normal.

    But this in a way was diversity. It wasn’t all bad, there were church groups and Muslim associations and Jewish cookouts. Compared to high school, it really was a lot more than I anticipated. With 20,000 people, there was something going on for everyone all the time.



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    My Categories for Picking UCSD

    When I made my list of pros and cons I was 18 and didn’t know what was important, so here are some of the important things that were on my list and some which I would have added if I could go back to my 18 year old self.

    Type: University, College, Community, Trade School.
    Some people are afraid to spend time and money on a four year school and if you are not ready (meaning you do not know what you want to study and who you want to be), a Community College may be a great place to go while you figure yourself out. The problem is, the vast majority never get their AA degree and don’t finish in two years. So if you are not doing this out of financial considerations, it may not be the best choice. Taking time off may be in your interests to figure out what you’d like to do with your life before jumping in.

    While Four year Colleges generally offer a great small school feel but at a University you will often have opportunities to work with faculty on interesting research projects. Finally, some people don’t care to be educated, they want to know skills to start working. For you, trade school is the best option.

    For me UCSD was pretty much my high school with ashtrays. Academic University, no football and near the beach.


    Size: Small or Big
    A small school will give you a sense of community and it generally will have smaller student to lecturer ratio. Consider more your personal likes and dislikes, if you hate being a number and easily overwhelmed by large campuses teaming with people, a 20,000 person campus may not be for you.

    I preferred a smaller school but the opportunities offered by a large University near home and the savings of lower tuition compared to pricey small schools meant that UCSD won out.

    Money: Cost and Value

    Going to a community college and transferring can  help a lot to lower the cost of education. The main drawback is that you will not get to connect as much with classmates and not all Universities allow you to transfer. If you do not plan to go into a field that makes a lot of money, do not have scholarships or wealthy parents, then logically it is not recommended  going to an expensive private schools especially if the major is not especially commercially viable. Debt is a terrible way to start your life and while money is not the goal to life, being poor certainly isn’t either. Plus it is important to remember that some jobs, will not make you  enough money to allow you survive after your college debt payments let alone afford that girlfriend, car, house and kids.

    My family was regular middle class. So it was either go in debt or pay 5k a year for a public institution.

    What to study: Majors
    This is a tough pick and many will change their major several times after entering college. Getting to know yourself, working in a field of interest and creating life goals early on is the best way to find the major you like before you actually begin coursework. It is also important to realize, that classes are not an exact preparation for real life and the work you do will not be like the classes you take. So if you like what you’re learning, that is a great plus, but remember, that on the job you will be using the knowledge and not necessarily learning more about the subject. So learn in school as much as you can, before you have to try to learn on the job.

    UCSD had a great engineering school, one of the best. I applied to WPI in Massachussettes but there was no scholarship so again, cost won out.

    What are you paying for? Prestige!
    I remember staying at my friend’s dorm room at Yale. We were going to bars with the kids of the most powerful people in US. I remember seeing the president’s daughter across the bar and at the same time I remember him bringing a stack of books during Thanksgiving break. I remember him talking about family members financing other family members’ businesses. And this was when I realized that money makes money and that access to money is what can allow one to succeed in US. If you don’t have your own money, then at least through friends you should have a way to get money. Thus, if you are intent on being at the top, don’t kid yourself and realize that you will have to work hard and be there where the best are to get to the top. If you want to be the best in a field, go to school where the best are in that field. The prestige will carry you through life because what you know and what you can do will be clear from simply announcing where you got those skills.

    I guess there was academic prestige. I didn’t meet kids of Fortune 500 CEOs at UCSD, but there were plenty that have recently made onto that list so there’s no reason why I couldn’t. Of course that’s why I joined a fraternity, the nationwide network of successful people is not a bad thing to have.


    Another ambiguous value: Connections:

    Personal connections are great! Everyone uses them. They make the world manageable. No matter how small of a company you own or work for, you will always be more likely to choose someone on a good recommendation instead of a resume. This of course scales up to corporate jobs, government work and business transactions. Friends do businesses with friends and  the higher stakes game you’d like to play the bigger the players you need to find. If you go to an Ivy league school you will more likely to be in a circle of those who will be at high levels of government and business, if you go to a top tier technical school then you will be among those who will be the best in science. So the people you surround yourself during college is the network you will rely on for the rest of your life. The better the network the better the jobs and the easier it will be to navigate your career when times are good and when times are bad.

    The people I studied with were the ones that contacted tipped off my first two employers. Connections matter and they can be made anywhere. Of course my connections at UCSD were some of the best in the field.

    Social Life (At “UC Sociall Dead”):

    Some schools are known for a rowdy social scene, some for their diligent academics and some for insane sport fans and small town support. The next four years your social skills will be put to the test and grow tremendously. So pick wisely what you can handle and still succeed academically and what is most important to you and in what environment you thrive.

    At UCSD you had to work to find parties, to make friends and have a balanced life. Most people are not extremely  social. So that was a big minus on my list but lucky for me, I don’t have a problem meeting people.

    Time-off or as we say, “figuring yourself out”
    It is becoming more and more common for people to take time off between high school and college.  Personally I think that that’s a nice luxury for the rich, but it is also a prudent approach for those who have not yet matured or figured out what it is they want to do. If you work and save up (while still living at the parents’), you can always take a few months to travel, see the world and grow up. College is expensive, it is difficult and spending time and money switching between majors can be avoided by going into the real world and finding out, what is it that one really likes, what is it that one is good at and only after that entering college with focus and determination. If there is one thing that people need to succeed, it is good goals in order to become focused. Good news for many students is that some colleges now allow for time-off for a year and that can be a big plus to some on the list of why to apply or to accept a college.

    Time off was working two jobs and taking Chinese and Weight Lifting at a community college. May not sound fun but it got my head straight to work better when I came back.

    GPA, yes it is still important.
    If you plan to get a well paying corporate job or apply to a top tier graduate school, the GPA from the school where you went will matter more than the actual GPA. But for most people and most colleges GPA is still an important metric. So study for the knowledge, not the grades but still consider wisely how well you study and what your after school plans are before choosing a college. You never want to leave yourself with closed doors because college is only four years of your life, many years of success or failure may ride  on where and how you spent those four years.

    Mine was terrible, but at least it was terrible from a great school and a tough major.

    Research, that work that pays little and requires sacrifice but brings in dividends:
    Going to a college where there are a lot of opportunities to work along side graduate students and professors can be rewarding and a huge boost to professional life, a career and it can help you get into a good graduate program. So don’t overlook working opportunities because while every college has Greenpeace and study abroad, or working as an usher, not every college has a lab where you can get your hands on real research and real experience in nanotech, neuroscience or archaeology.

    Probably the most important thing I did while in college. The technology I worked on and the skills I learned and the people I worked with was the best that happened to me.

    Sports, they are more important than you think.
    If you believe that you can just do sports, you’ll have a tough time after graduation and if you believe that you can lock yourself inside the library and still do well you’re also mistaken. Physical activity is super important for stamina, for mind health and clarity. Thousands of college kids every year are diagnosed with depression, bi-polar and other disorders that can often be dealt with daily rush of adrenaline on the soccer field or in the pool. So if you have a favorite sport, why not continue with it after high school. You’re not competitive? It’s ok, there are lots of club sports, intramural sports, and a million other options at most colleges. So take a look at those and put them down on your checklist. It will make you a better student and a happier person and probably better looking.

    This was not high on my checklist when going to school but being part of the Judo and wrestling club in my last year helped me keep my sanity and stamina during all night study sessions.
    So here we are: I have outlined my main checklist for how I would pick a school today. Examine carefully each of these categories because your future depends on them and your likelihood of doing well depends on your comfort level and your goals and then make your own! 

    Now you’re ready to apply and then pick your from all the ones that will accept you. Good luck!
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    Chapter 1: High School (tips on picking and getting in to college)

    Chapter 1 High School


    Maybe I should have waited before starting college. My High School, in upper middle-class San Diego was more concerned about giving me enough time to pad the college application than learning. So I was smart enough to never have to work in High School. That is why I find it amazing that I finished college. Because even now, I still don’t know how to study efficiently, consistently or developed the ability to find focus. I am not an A plus student, or even a B student. I did not have some higher calling to push me. I am a regular guy with too much stupidity to know better and a bit too much ambition for my own good. But if I had developed the skills to study, focus and find the drive to succeed. School would have been a lot easier. So that’s why getting those skills early will guide you better through college and life more than anything else in this book. 
    But, in spite of my shortcomings, somehow through sheer will to show those who did not believe and through encouragement by those who did, I did what sometimes really did seem impossible. I feel that sometimes, those who accomplish what they set out to do don’t always have great confidence, they learn to have confidence through a series of ups and downs. A good example is Marilyn Monroe,  a shy and awkward stutterer, she re-engineer everything about herself in her quest to become an actress. Or take Abraham Lincoln. HE was uneducated, poor and belligerent (serious anger issues). Yet, he took time to learn law and made himself one of this countries greatest politicians.  I learned much from books, from friends and from personal experiences. You will have plenty of experiences of your own to learn from, but by taking my experience, you will be at least ahead of me without repeating my mistakes, and making your mistakes instead.



    There is no one way to  college


    My parents are immigrants from the Ukraine. They understood that I had to do well in school and that I had to go to college to have a good life but they did not know how. By luck, from friends and councilors I found out that there are certain requirements that everyone has to complete to go to a University: one must take standardized tests and must do well in the required classes and finally, one must apply. Additionally, one must also have a portfolio of accomplishments, volunteer work, leadership and etc. On thing that no one tells you is that how well one does in those optional areas is not very important because every college decides on an individual basis and makes up their mind up according to objective and subjective benchmarks. So it is important to know what you want to do with your life, what kind of setting you thrive in and pick a school which fits those goals and preferences. Once you know that, you need to find out what you have to do to get into that school.


    As for me, I knew I wanted to go to Berkeley. But my PSAT’s (practice SAT’s) were sub-par and I had a poor start in first year of High School. But growing up in San Diego meant that I had been to UCSD on several occasions, not necessarily for the academic activities but to raves and parties. I was there my senior year for a huge rave. The Price Center or the main plaza was full of kids dressed up in costumes; big fluffy pants, fairy wings, loud banging music and screaming kids. But, my first choice was was still Berkeley, for their atmosphere, prestige and last but not least (and often the biggest reason for most): distance from home.


    To my disappointment but not surprise, I did not get into Berkeley, nor did I get into UCSD. But, I could do not give up easily. I found out that one can appeal the decision. I wrote an appeal and sent it with letters of recommendation from my teachers to Berkeley. I didn’t care about my rejection letter from UCSD but under advice from mother (listen to your mother), I figured I may as well bring an appeal to UCSD and since it is so close to my house, I came by on admit day and submitted it in person to one of the counselors.


    Soon after I received rejections from both and resigned to go to UC Santa Barbara.  A month later and about a week after sending a check to UCSB, UCSD sent me a letter of acceptance. My dad was there when I opened it and when I read the decisions he picked me off the ground. I didn’t even know the little man had in him. I think that was the proudest he had ever been or showed to be.

    I want to show here that you don’t have to be the best, but you do have to persevere, don’t give up and use every avenue available until you move on.

    Once I was accepted I had a choice, UCSD and UCSB. I made a matrix and to each choice I assigned a number 1-5 from most important to least important. Once the pros and cons with their respective weights (for me) were added up, UCSD came out to be the clear winner.

    At one point or another, we all must make a choice, and everyone has their own criteria. I made my choice to go to UCSD for various reasons, it was essentially the best place for me to go given the choices I had. When parents and high school grads ask me how to choose, I would say that it depends on what’s important to you. To be more clear, I’ll go over the criteria I think one should consider before making a choice  in another article.

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    Introduction

    Introduction
    Why should you read this book (one day it will be):
       When I was twenty-two I quit school because I was tired of half trying and worked two jobs instead. I woke up at six am to slice lettuce and make sandwiches for minimum wage until two and then I would drive twenty miles to watch over a parking lot for another eight hours. I ate cup-o-noodles for 10 cents each and split a room with a student who stayed up all night playing video games. I was working seven days a week, sixteen hours a day to save money to go back to school. Before this experience, I was a bad student without motivation. After six months of working as I did, I realized that I did not want to work like this for the rest of my life. I realized that I needed an education. More importantly, now I knew why I needed an education.

    If you’re reading this then I need to remind you that you are an  amazingly lucky person. You are about to become one of the few in the history of the world to have a formal education. In four years you will know more and be able to do more than most people who lived on earth before you, ever imagined. You don’t have to be a genius or change the world, you will know more than past geniuses and you will change the world just by going to work everyday after graduating and maybe even before. The choices that will face you will challenge you, and making the right one or wrong one, wont matter because you will grow. I’m sure the choices already seem disorienting but by making one, and then either sticking to it or making another one, will allow you to realize yourself. You may be like me: an idealist, under a lot of parental pressure to do something that may not be right for you, but unlike me, you will have this book, to help you using my story to anticipate the challenges, to prepare for obstacles and to allow yourself to live to the fullest and to tap your fullest potential. I may not change the world, but if I can help one person be the best they can be, I will be happy with my contribution to our planet.


    Why did I write this book:
    As a senior in college, friends of family came to me over and over again to ask the same questions about college. They may have gone to Universities in their native countries if they are immigrants or went to college so long ago that they forgot how it used to be and can no longer give relevant advice; they are clueless as to how best to prepare their kids and how to talk to them in a way that would actually get through to them.
    As many other kids today, I graduated by overcoming the many pitfalls along the way by learning from friends and from personal mistakes. So while my memory is not too rusty and my contacts have not taken their last exams, I wanted to write a little guide to college for kids and parents from the perspective of someone who did not take the traditional way there.


    I begin with my story for reference sake. Feel free to skip around and read the chapters and keep it around when parts become relevant. One thing that seems always true, is that one cannot accept advice until one is ready for it. Some people however, never are.

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    Why This Blog?

    Hello reader. You may be a confused high school student, a bored college student, a scared parent, or an exasperated teacher. Whoever you are, I wrote a book for you over three years ago. But because I keep getting sidetracked, I don’t publish it. So I decided that each week I will release a chapter. This will get me to not only publish and go through it, but also actually get that information to you. Please enjoy and feel free to leave comments, discuss, leave your advice and concerns and your stories. I love stories!!!

    Thanks!
    Sam